Create Your Own Religion......

Well it looks like there is a church for sale in our neighborhood. If you’ve ever though about creating your own church, this may be the right time to go through with it.

The church on the corner of Chartiers and Bucyrus is for sale for the low price of $175,000. This is a really good price for such a big building. The basement and kitchen alone may be worth that much. The local Meals on Wheels actually works out of the basement.





There have been many different types of churches and religions that have operated in the past. Catholicism, Scientology, Hindu temples, Hare Krishna, The Peoples Temple, The Church of Latter Day Saints, and maybe the most important of all, The Church of Fonzi.

Well here’s my idea if I had $175,000 to start a church.

THE YINZER CHURCH OF SAINT COPE

This church will be the place to pray and worship for all fans of local sports teams. Steelers, Penguins, Pirates, Pitt Panthers, Pittsburgh Passion, and very reluctantly, Penn State. West Virginia fans will not be welcome at this church. Regardless of what the local media tries to tell us, WVU is not a local team. It’s about an hour and a half to two hours away in a different state. It’s also the Pittsburgh team’s #1 rival. If you follow this logic, the Cleveland Browns would be considered a “local” team. Just ridiculous. Something's telling me that the Morgantown Newspaper does not consider the Pitt Panthers a "local" team.

Every week, just before mass starts, there will be a moment of silence for all of the fallen Pittsburgh Sports teams. Pittsburgh Maulers, Pittsburgh Gladiators, Pittsburgh Bulls, Pittsburgh Crossefire, Pittsburgh Spirit, Pittsburgh Hornets, Pittsburgh Condors, Pittsburgh Pipers, Pittsburgh Xplosion, Pittsburgh Piranhas just to name a few. Which brings me to…

MASS

Mass will be held every Sunday from 11:00 to 12:00 (tailgating permitted)

Instead of the Holy Bible, the minister will be reading excerpts from Double Yoi, The Chief, and anything else by Jim O’brien.

Holy Water will be placed in a replica Stanley Cup at the back of the church.

Traditional pews will be replaced by old Three Rivers Stadium seats.

Everyone will be welcome to participate in communion. It will consist of a shot of Iron City Beer and a nacho.

We will not have an organist. We will play recordings of the late great Vince Lascheid. Hey it works for the Pirates.

Until we get a full time Ordained Minister, we will be going with guest celebrity ministers. Bob Pompeani, Mike Lange, Mark Madden, Gene Collier, Bill Hillgrove, and Sam Nover are just a few that have been rumored to be interested.

CONFESSION

Instead of the traditional confession booth, there will be a replica Penalty Box, where you can confess your sins to a wax likeness of Dan Marouelli. You may not receive a response, but you’ll feel a whole lot better by getting things like how you once rooted for WVU in a BCS game because you thought it would be “good for the Big East” if they won. That’s a true sin.

HOLY GAME ROOM

During Football season mass will be immediately followed by lunch in the Holy Game Room, where we will prepare to watch the 1:00 Football games. (This will be regardless of if the Steelers play at 1:00 or not).

The Holy game room will have the NFL Ticket on multiple big screens. (What do you think we do with the offerings you give us every week.)

The Holy Game Room will be open for all Pittsburgh Sports games being shown on television.

There is a stage in the game room that will be used for plays and re-creations. We are trying to get an annual running of “The Chief”. Every December 23rd, local actors will recreate the Immaculate Reception. Every October 13th, they will recreate Maz’s Game Winning Home Run from the 1960 World Series. (I’m currently writing a play specifically for our stage called “Cobra: The Dave Parker Stories”, from his MVP year, to the Drug Trials, to the “battery” throwing incident.)

COMMUNITY INVOLVEMENT

We will still operate the Meals on Wheels program out of the church. We will have volunteers deliver items to those in need with a better menu that ever. What senior citizen wouldn’t love some Buffalo Wings(11 flavors), homemade pierogies, grilled kielbasa, Bucco Tacos, Uncle Charley’s Hot Sausage, and much more.

We will have a monthly Monte Carlo/Night at the Races to raise money for the church, Meals on Wheels and other Local Charities.

There will be a monthly sports memorabilia auction. If you’ve been looking for a place to get rid of that autographed Billy Tibbetts Jersey or the Mike Diaz autographed baseball you’ve had since 1987 then this is for you.

Well this is my church. If you’ve got a $175,000, I’d like to hear your ideas.